We were driving back from Yosemite to Los Angeles after three days of dusty cabin camping.  You know the experience:  a car full of dirty laundry, hastily packed supplies, garbage, empty soda cans, exhausted parents and restless children.  The trip was only 5 hours long, and we were test-roadtripping a luxuriously enormous Ford Flex, so this return journey wasn’t as awful as some of them have been in the past.  Still, the 4-year-old’s frequent need to use a restroom, and the 2-year-old’s incessant cry for “Mo’ feesh!” (translation, “More goldfish!”) made for a typically nerve wracking ride.

At one point the children’s cries reached a fever pitch and we knew we had to stop and let them run around, like puppies released from a pen.  Trouble was, we were driving through…Bakersfield, CA, which we had always considered a place to get through on your way to somewhere else.  I’m sure it’s a lovely town, but from I-99, Bakersfield is one giant dusty truckstop.  We looked for any flash of color to be found along the roadside, and pulled over where we saw a gas station and farm stand.  We thought, okay a farm stand might be a good place for the kids to run around.

The Flex

Roadside stand

Little did we know we had stumbled upon a lovely little experience.  Orozco’s Watermelons were out in full supply, and our children ran gleefully up and down the rows of watermelon bins.  Sold by the size, I nabbed a head-shaped melon for $2, and picked up two pints of strawberries as well.

Melons, melons, melons!

I saw Orozco himself reach over to pick up our 2-year-old from one of the rows, and I thought he was going to scold us for letting the kids run around.  Instead, he plopped the kid on top of the watermelons, gave him a huge slice, and beckoned for me to point and shoot:

Now what do I do?

Melons as big as your head

Sharing is caring

Sticky but happy

He ate the WHOLE THING

We spent at least 20 minutes frolicking at the watermelon stand.  Back in the car, the kids were sticky but satisfied, and happily submitted to a hypnotizing DVD for the rest of the ride.  Thank you, Bakersfield.

Orozco’s Watermelons: 1901 Frontage West Road, Mettler, CA 93313 (seasonal, ending June 30)

Ah, the open road- the radio blaring, the wind in your hair, and the growing pressure of a bladder in need of relief. It happens. Road trips are to destinations of adventure, true, but more importantly, they are the adventures that happen along the way. Yes, I know that is awesomely deep.  You can use it.

The average length of any road trip isn’t just based on miles and road conditions, there are other variables and some of them are weighted.  Basically, it breaks down like this:

X = time of trip; T= traffic ; P = pee break; M = miles; R = road conditions; N = number of people in car; and F = food.  Solve for X.

∫M x T(R) ÷ (F + P)N∛ ≥ children in car x 10∏≅ X

Or something like that.  I was an English major.

The point is, and yes, there is a point, people need to pee and the smaller they are the more they need.  It’s simple mathematics.

Here is a list of places to keep in mind when the bladder is full and the future is uncertain:

In-N-Out

1. Fast food restaurants are hit and miss.  I’ve been in an In-N-Out where the bathroom was cleaner than the restaurant, and I’ve been in a McDonald’s where the bathroom could have been a crime scene.  And vice versa.  The majority of fast food bathrooms I’ve visited, and there have been more than a few, are cleanish and stinky, but relatively safe. As an added bonus, many of the restrooms open directly into the dining area which allows for complete strangers to admire the stance one takes at the urinal.  Pose wisely.

2. Rest Areas are made for this sort of thing. Literally.  They are areas made for resting, stretching and the much needed restroom break.  The beauty of the rest stop is that they are generally found in stretches of the highway where there are no other services, so it’s a good idea to utitilze them, even if all you need is some terrible coffee and a dozen jumping jacks.

Depending on where you stop a rest area may look like a resort (Oregon) or a prison yard (Arizona).  Rest accordingly.

If you are stopping at night, please be careful of your surroundings.

3. Gas stations come in all shapes and sizes.  They may have a market that would make Trader Joe’s proud or they may have a Subway with $5 foot-longs that make your stomach turn.  Some are large and geared to the trucking trade and some are small with a bathroom on the backside of the building.  In the case of the latter, take the proper measures to ensure your safety.  In the case of the truckstop, hold your breath and don’t let the kids touch anything.

4. Side of the street is never a first choice.  It’s not safe and it’s probably not legal.  However, when you’re in the middle of nowhere with a crying 4-year-old that has no qualms about peeing on your leather interior, you may want to suck it up and pull over.  Highlights include the opportunity to really commune with nature and the feeling of freedom that only the great outdoors can provide.  The downside is the proximity to speeding cars and the possibility of roadside hazards (broken glass, needles, random items you aren’t ready to discuss with your children).

5. Peeing in a bottle is crude and humiliating. It’s also messy.  This should only be considered if the road trip is stalled in heavy traffic and there is no safe or immediate alternative.  A penis also helps.

There are, of course, other variables to consider and other places that may present themselves as viable options, but in my years of traveling- especially with children, these are the most common possibilities (never actually done #5) that I’ve encountered.

Please keep in mind that the last two are not recommended in matters of the wallaby.