Jun 12, 2008 7:54 - By: Gene McKenna
I need a personal assistant to manage my online identities. Between Facebook, Linked In and some online dating sites I won’t name (lest I reveal too much), keeping up with it all is getting ridiculous.
How many different ways can I get “pinged” on Facebook? I’ve been poked, super poked, bitten, given a wedgie, had a pie thrown at me, not to mention invitations to take movie quizzes, geography tests and guess which celebrity belongs to which buttocks. Reminiscent of 5th grade, there are also a few applications implying that someone might like me and I can find out if only I will disclose a few things about myself – like sending 10 friends an invitation that implies someone might like them and if they would only disclose a few things about themselves…
I think a person with experience playing tennis with a machine gun would make for a good Facebook Secretary. A key task would be to return the daily barrage of pings, pokes and put-ons. Then, since I have a secretary, the obvious next step for me would be to escalate! I won’t just be able to return fire, I will serve it up like I don’t have a day job. My connections will be so impressed with how quickly I can initiate ever newer, technologically enhanced ways to say “what up, dude?”
But I don’t want just a tactician, mind you. I want a professional administrative assistant - someone with a real strategic vision for who I want to be online. Should I be a Linked In slut with 500+ connections and accept and seek every connection possible? Or should I at least know the people I am connected to? And how should my Linked In relate to my Facebook? Just because I worked with you that doesn’t mean we are friends.
A good secretary would be able to recommend a course of action to me by answering key questions, like what happens when I press “REJECT” on an invite. Does the sender get a “YOU WERE FLUSHED!” message? If so, I will continue to keep them sitting in my request list unanswered as I have for the last two years. If not, could someone please tell me that so I can flush these people and clear up the clutter in my inbox?
As far as the dating sites go, wow, that is a-whole-nother realm. Could I really expect to hire someone with the ability to keep track of all the lies I tell about myself? And could my Facebook secretary help keep away the fear that someday the woman from Lavalife will be able to post a Date Review and share it with all the mutual-to-three-degrees-of-separation “friends” we share across five social networking sites?
Oh Facebook Secretary, how did I ever live without you?