I’m a big fan of Rachael Ray’s “$40 Dollars A Day,” where the ubiquitous Food Network star goes to different places around the world and shows you how you can enjoy three meals a day for forty bucks or less. Although, sometimes I feel bad for Rachael because there’ll she be in a beautiful place like Rome and she’s having a crust of bread and an olive for dinner because she’s already spent $39.50 on breakfast and lunch.

But I have to admit in these increasingly troubling economic times, I’ve been thinking of ways to cut costs when it comes to dining and entertainment. So I’ve come up with some things in L.A. that my family of four can enjoy for $20 or less. Unfortunately, the budgets are tight on some of these and I may have to bring along my own bread crust.

Santa Monica Pier Ferris Wheel. Honestly, ferris wheels scare me to death, but I may have to buck up and try this one out. It’s the new solar-powered Pacific Wheel that’s part of Pacific Park, the amusement park on the Santa Monica Pier. Admission to the park is free, but tickets for the ferris wheel are $5 apiece. That would eat up our entire $20, but we’d be rewarded with some spectacular views of the California coastline. Unfortunately I wouldn’t have enough money left over to buy a barf bag.

The Getty Center. I know, I’ve mentioned this place like a gazillion times, but it still stands out as one of the best deals in town. For only $8 for parking, we have access to all the exhibits and the awesome Getty Gardens. Best of all, the $12 we have left over will buy each of us a snack. Or, if I’m feeling cranky, a couple of cappuccinos for me and a few sugar packets that my husband and two kids can split between them.

Friday Night Jazz at the L.A. County Museum of Art (LACMA). Our kids aren’t big jazz fans, but they still love this. It takes place on Fridays from 6-8pm during April through November in the main courtyard of the museum. It’s absolutely free, which means if we pack some juice and snacks for the kids my husband and I can spend our $20 on a couple of nice cool martinis while we listen to first-rate jazz. All the galleries are free after 5pm, so as soon as the kids started requesting the sax player to play some White Stripes we’d be able to whisk them out of there for a stroll through the galleries.

The Beach. This needs no explanation, really. We’ll pack sunscreen, some snacks, our iPods and a couple of books. The kids will play all day long, and my husband and I will fantasize about buying a beach house when we win the lottery. If you can find parking for free you can spend the entire $20 on incredibly tasty junk food at the snack bar. Sunshine, ocean breezes and deep-fried food - what more could you ask for?

Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA). Like many museums around town, MOCA has a night where admission is free and theirs is Thursday, from 5-8pm. For $20 the four of us could easily share two of their generous sandwiches and have some sparkling sodas at Joachim Splichal’s Patinette Café. Then we could browse the gallery until closing. Unfortunately the visit would still be a complete letdown to my 12-year-old, since we wouldn’t have any money leftover to spend in the gift shop.

With gas prices as high as they are now, I realize that a measly $20 wouldn’t even cover the gas to get to some of these venues, but even Rachael Ray cheats a bit. You think she’s getting to that restaurant in Greece on a public bus? Personally, I think she goes back to her hotel after being a ‘$40 A Day’ tightwad and orders up three hundred dollars worth of room service.

Photo: Pacific Park Santa Monica

This “local expert” post on Tucson is written by Kay Wehunt. Kay and her husband, Bill, lived in Tucson from 1999-2005 and according to her, would still be there if they hadn’t gotten homesick for Texas. I loved reading her wonderful recommendations that capture Tucson’s “old-world charm” and my mouth is now watering for fry-bread tacos and delicious Sonoran food. Kay and her husband are also avid world travelers and you can see photos of many of their adventures at this website. Enjoy!

1. Give five adjectives that you would use to describe the “feel” of the Tucson metro area and its residents?

Historic, Hispanic-influenced, artistic, casual, fitness-conscious

2. What is your favorite neighborhood/area of Tucson?

The foothills area just below the Santa Catalina mountains is home to some of the city’s wealthiest citizens. The homes are architectural jewels and the views are magnificent. Any part of the northeast section of the city north of River Road. Some prefer the older homes just west of the downtown area near the University. Most of the old barrio was mostly torn down in an urban renewal project.

3. Which cuisine do you think Tucson does best? What is the runner-up?(feel free to share your favorite restaurant(s))

Tucson is Sonoran Mexican-food heaven. From the original El Charro on Court St. on the north side of the downtown area (be sure to see the carne seca beef drying in strips in cages on the roof) to elegant four-star dining at the Loew’s Ventana Canyon hotel’s premier restaurant, you can’t find a bad meal if you try. My favorite casual restaurant is Guillermo’s Double L at 1830 South 4th St. A Tucson institution. And be sure to ask for a fried egg on top of your meal–then they’ll know you are serious about your food.

4. What is the best free thing to do?

Just 26 miles north and 45 minutes away is Mount Lemmon. At over 9,000 feet above the desert plain, it provides a cool contrast to the Tucson landscape. If you are a little more pressed for time, visit Sabino Canyon. There is a museum and there are short hiking trails with gorgeous views and unusual topography. For $4 one can ride the tram up and down the entire canyon.

5. What is your favorite type of entertainment?

Whatever you like, you can find it in Tucson. From concerts and Broadway plays at the University of Arizona, to casinos and pop concerts, to rodeos, to local theater, to marvelous galleries of Southwestern art known world-wide–there is no shortage of entertainment and lots of diversity for all tastes.

6. List the best family friendly activity.

The Arizona Desert Museum on the west side of town is fascinating for all ages. See desert animals in environmentally correct enclosures. All displays are kid-friendly while being informative and interesting to adults, too.

7. What spot would you send a couple, looking for a romantic weekend?

No question that Hacienda del Sol would be the perfect small hotel for a quiet, romantic getaway. Lots of Southwest flavor in the 1930’s buildings with modern amenities. The restaurant is outstanding.

8. Describe the perfect day…one that captures what your area/city is all about– In three sentences or less.

Start off with an early morning visit to Saguaro National Park to see the distinctive giant cactus only found in Arizona. Have a late breakfast at the Arizona Inn founded in the 1930’s. Great food and service with loads of charm. Head for the Desert Museum to see anything you missed in your long visit. Go south of Tucson to San Xavier del Bac, the oldest mission in the United States. Nicknamed the White Dove of the Desert, it sits in regal splendor on the Tohono O’otham Indian reservation just off the southwest side of town. A lunch of Indian fry-bread tacos and a coke at the mission (remember that big breakfast?) and head for the Tucson Zoo, small enough to be a pleasant walk but large enough to have really great animals. Finish the day at Guillermo’s Double L for a casual day or at any of the more elegant restaurants whose chefs are revered like rock stars in this cuisine-savvy city. Finish the day at Gates Pass, watching some of the best sunsets to be seen anywhere.

9. Tell us about a place that you love to go whether it is in the guidebooks or not.

On the Saturday before Easter at the church on the Pascua Yaqui reservation, the tribe performs religious dances celebrating the resurrection of Christ. No cameras, recorders, or sketchbooks allowed. Bring your own chairs and stay for the hours of ritual or as much as you can absorb. It is a unique, artistic, compelling spectacle.

10. What question did we not ask that we should have (and answer it, of course!)?

“When is the best time to visit Tucson?”

Most tourists like Tucson best in March and April. Moderate temperatures are appealing. Also, three major-league baseball teams do their spring training in Tucson at that time.
For less expensive accomodations and smaller crowds, brave the heat and visit in August. The monsoon rains cool off the temperatures and provide spectacular lightning shows.

Whenever you visit, the old-world charm of Tucson will be waiting to greet you.

Do you have a town that you would like to write about? E-mail us or comment on this post and you could be our next “local expert”!

Thanks to Eflon for the wonderful Saguaro cactus picture!

Dave knows every inch of the City and all its eateries, he has the wheels (a classic white Checker Marathon), and he puts it all together to offer private and personalized eating tours to visitors and New Yorkers. And his blog - The Hungry Cabbie - is a treasure trove for chow-hounds. His food writing has also appeared in Time Out New York, Not For Tourists Guidebook, Attaché Magazine and Gothamist.com, and Dave has been profiled by the NY Daily News, VillageVoice and other NYC papers.

Question: Your profile pretty much tells us everything about Dave Freedenberg. So we’ll start with Famous Fat Dave. How did you come up with that name? Did it happen after you started taking people on eating tours in your cab, or did you start off with the name?
Answer: The story of the name “Famous Fat Dave” goes back to when I lived in Florence, Italy for a semester in 2000. I’m a terrible chef. I’ve got no talent for it. But over there the ingredients are so good that I couldn’t help but create amazing Italian dishes in my kitchen. No matter what I made was delicious because the pasta and the cheese and the olive oil and meats and the tomatoes were all the best I’d ever had by a long shot.

My favorite creation was fried salami in pasta sauce with al dente penne. I thought I needed to give it a name so I called it “Famous Fat Dave’s Super Salami Surprise Sauce With Penne.” When I got back to America, that dish didn’t work at all so I needed a new outlet for Famous Fat Dave. That’s when “Famous Fat Dave’s Super Salami Surprise Sauce With Penne” morphed into “Famous Fat Dave’s Five Borough Eating Tour On The Wheels of Steel.”

Question: No competition for Nathan’s Famous for hot dogs, I take it, but how about burgers? Corner Bistro or Shake Shack? Why? And how about the best slice of pizza in New York and why? Since we’re on the subject, out of all the eating tours you take people to, and all the eateries you know, which is the best place you like and what do they serve?
Answer: I do love the original Nathan’s Famous. But I’m also a fan of Criff Dog on St. Mark’s and the Katz Dog and Stukel at Katz. That’s the beautiful thing about this town. Even when there is an indisputed king of something, there’s always competition. It keeps everyone honest.

Corner Bistro or Shake Shack? Corner Bistro all the way. Shake Shack’s shake sauce is kind of ridiculously salty in my experience and the line ridiculously long. Corner Bistro has a really long line too, but you can get the same burger, usually better, at 3am with no line. But I also really like the Corner Bistro riff at Stoned Crow. I’m a huge fan of the burger at Donovan’s Pub in Woodside, Queens. And I think the Whaley Burger with a fried egg, pinapple, and beetroot at Ruby’s on Mulberry St can compete with any of them for pure taste sensation. A guy from the Bronx recently told me I’ve gotta try the “Murder Buger” at a place simply called “Home of the Murder Burger” up there. So I’m looking forward to trying that out.

Best slice of pizza in New York? Loaded question. I’ll say this: I try to appreciate them all. I don’t pretend to be have the authority to pick a “best.” I don’t even have a favorite. I like the pepperoni at Lombardi’s, I like the crust at Patsy’s on 118th and 1st, I like the thick slice at Spumoni Garden’s, I like the sweet tomato sauce at New Park in Howard Beach, I like the whole pie at Totonno’s in Coney Island, I like the sausage at Louie And Ernie’s in the Bronx, I like the brocolli rabe grandma slice at Fratelli’s in Hunt’s Point. I can go on. But you see, how can I pick a “best” or a “favorite.” They all excel at different things. That’s why I take people on pizza tours, so they can try 8 or 10 or 15 different slices over 4 or 5 or 8 hours and decide for themselves.

Likewise, it’s impossible for me to answer “what’s the best place you like and what do they serve.” That’s like asking me to answer which one of my children is the best (I don’t have any children, but I can imagine).

Question: Which part of New York City do you prefer? I’d say Brooklyn has the best to offer, in terms of food, but on your tours, which part do you and your customers enjoy the most?
Answer: I call it the “Five Borough Eating Tour” and on some tours we’ll hit as many as four boroughs in five hours. Some people want to see as much of the city as they can. Sometimes we’ll keep it to just one borough to spend more time eating and less time driving. I tell people that if this is their first outer borough eating experience, it’s probably best to start with Brooklyn because there is the biggest variety of food, nice mix of new and old, and best views.

Question: You have earned a lot of publicity and been written about by just about every major magazine or paper including the NY Daily News and VillageVoice. Is there any difference between now and the way you went about your work previously? I mean, do customers look upon you as a celebrity now, or is it the same as before?
Answer: The publicity doesn’t make people feel like I’m a celebrity as much as walking into a tiny spot in the middle of a rough neighborhood and having the guys behind the counter shout “Ayyy, It’s Famous Fat Dave” or “Ohh, da Hungry Cabbie’s here.” My customers aren’t looking at newspaper clippings on the tour. But they like it that I know all these people all over this big anonymous city and they get to meet them when otherwise they’d never find the place much less talk to the characters working there.

Also, driving around in the classic white Checker Marathon is fun for people because everyone is smiling and waving and giving thumbs up as we drive by. Sometimes people come out and take pictures and strike up conversations about the old days. So the whole experience makes this big scary city feel like a small town.

Question: I understand you came to New York from Maryland to study, and you love all things food, and New York is just right for you. But what is it about New York - The City - that you like the most?
Answer: I’m a late night person, so I guess I like it most that there is so much great stuff to eat in the middle of the night here. I take people on The Midnight Munchies Tour a lot because there is less traffic and more eating. Some places are only open at night. Lots of places are open really late. And I feel like New York is somehow more New Yorky at night.

Question: Cab drivers usually have lots of fun stuff to tell. And if it involves food, it becomes even more dishy. Any fun incidents you want to share, without naming names?
Answer: Without naming names? You mean famous people? I haven’t gotten too many famous people in my cab. I once picked up Bjork outside Lombardi’s Pizza (I don’t think she was eating there, I think she just happened to be at the intersection of Mott and Spring). Her sculptor husband stared at me really weird through the rear view the whole ride, and when I got her to her destination - “Hoooouston and Sihhhhxth Hhhhhavenue” she told me in her crazy voice - the fare was $4.60. She handed me a $5 dollar bill and went to look for another dollar to tip me, but gave up after 2 seconds and just stiffed me. But then I guess that’s naming names huh?

Question: What’s Famous Fat Dave’s secret? Is it your knowledge of the eateries, or is it your personality or is it the unique nature of your ‘eating tour in a cab’, or is it a combination of all of these and/or something else?
Answer: Well, I know all the good places to eat because I talk to all my fares about their favorite spots. And they’re very proud of them. And I have a personality unlike most grumpy professional drivers in this town so spending 5 or 6 hours with isn’t so terrible. I also have an official sight-seeing tour guide license and I can tell people some good stories from driving the cab and working in the food business selling pickles, cheesemongering, hot dog vending, and breadtruck driving. Really, a major key to the whole operation is that I won’t get lost, I can change course on the fly if there is unusual traffic or an impromptu food request, and I know how to find parking/when to double park.

Question: Any plans for the future? Book deals, television or movies maybe? Or something else?
Answer: I am working on a book about driving the cab and working in food and doing the tours. It’s slow going though. Television seems not to like me since Food Network and History Channel both rejected the idea. Movies? Why not? Right now, I’m concentrating on making the tour the best it can be. That’s why I bought the white Checker Marathon. My goal in life is to eat for a living.

This Local’s Perspective on Carmel comes from Nancy Brown. Nancy, a new contributor to the UpTake blog, enjoyed our “Revealed” series and wanted to ring in on a town she knows and loves. Nancy considers herself a “wannabe local” of Carmel and has indeed spent a lot of time there. She has shared some valuable inside information with us on this beautiful area. I can’t wait to head down and try out the many sensational restaurants mentioned or to just sit and “listen to the lull of the crashing surf”. You can also check out Nancy’s great writing on her blog, What a Trip, or read her contributions to the Contra Costa Times Lamorinda Sun. Enjoy!

1. Give five adjectives that you would use to describe the “feel” of Carmel and its residents?

Artistic, creative, educated, worldly and wealthy

2. What is your favorite neighborhood/area of Carmel?

Anyone who has visited the charming village of Carmel-by-the-Sea remembers the Hansel and Gretel thatched roof cottages with names such as Sea Change and the lack of street numbers on the houses. I’d like to share another part of Carmel that Uptake readers might not be familiar with. When Carmel beach is socked in with fog as thick as a cotton ball, visitors should take a tip from the locals and drive inland to Carmel Valley. The valley offers nearly year-round sunshine, less traffic and wonderful hiking, biking, dining and wine tasting opportunities.

3. Which cuisine do you think Carmel does best? What is the runner-up?(feel free to share your favorite restaurant)

True foodies have died and gone to heaven when they arrive in Carmel. My mother lives in Carmel, so I visit quite often and we have never run out of excellent restaurants. Here in California and specifically Monterey County its all about local ingredients from Earthbound Farms, to Sea Harvest Fish Market, be it land or sea, it must be fresh. For high-end dining, Marinus at Bernardus Lodge is excellent, while Grasing’s on Mission Street in downtown Carmel offers close by dining. For casual dining with a Hawaiian flair try Billy Quon’s new Volcano in Carmel Valley.

4. What is the best free thing to do?

Point Lobos State Reserve, with its headlands, coves and meadows, offers visitors views of migrating gray whales (from December to May), seals, otters and shorebirds. The $10 per vehicle entrance fee is waived if you walk in.

5. What is your favorite type of entertainment?

If you are looking for action and night life you’ll need to visit nearby Monterey. Carmel restricts amplified outdoor music. My favorite entertainment in Carmel is sitting on the deck with a Carmel Valley glass of wine and listening to the lull of the crashing surf.

6. List the best family friendly activity?

The Monterey Bay Aquarium is excellent for multiple generations. The newly renovated Splash Zone will appeal to the younger set, while the Outer Bay Exhibit offers benches to sit and be entertained as you watch sharks, tuna and turtles swim by. Carmel River State Beach offers a less crowded alternative to the scenic Ocean Avenue beach.

7. What spot would you send a couple, looking for a romantic weekend?

I’d recommend a day driving to Big Sur, returning in time for sunset cocktails at the Highlands Inn, dinner at Casa Nova or Anton and Michel and an ocean view room at the Tickle Pink Inn.

8. Describe the perfect day…one that captures what your area/city is all about? In three sentences or less.

Begin with breakfast at Katy’s Place on Mission, then drive to Julia Pfeiffer State Park and hike in the redwoods. On your way back to Carmel, stop at the Big Sur River Inn to dangle your toes in the water and listen to the band play before you head back to your hotel room overlooking the ocean.

9. Tell us about a place that you love to go whether it is in the guidebooks or not.

The Forge in the Forest is sure to be in every guidebook because it’s been around forever. I’ve been coming here for the salad and quiche since my college days in the 80’s. Carmel is a dog friendly town and the Forge is no exception. The restaurant includes a dog pound patio with outdoor heat lamps and fire pits.

10. What question did we not ask that we should have (and answer it, of course!)?

“What is the best time of year to visit Carmel?”

Like San Francisco, Carmel is often blanketed with a thick layer of fog in the summer time. It always amuses me to see visitors freezing in their shorts and sun dresses wearing their newly purchased “I Heart Carmel” sweatshirts. When you visit Carmel, wear layers of clothing. The best time to visit Carmel is in the spring and fall; preferably during a non-holiday weekend.

Want to be our next “local expert”? Send us an e-mail or comment on this post!

Thanks to Kobuta for the stunning Carmel beach photo.

Marin Mommies has put together a great piece on the celebrations in Marin County, including parades in Corte Madera-Larkspur, Novato and Sausalito. They also list some of the local fireworks displays around the Bay.

In the East Bay, 4th of July parades can be found in Alameda (theme: Clean and Green), Vallejo with the Vallejo Symphony Orchestra, and in Danville, residents will celebrate the 150^th anniversary of the city and 50^th anniversary of Hay Days with a parade starting at 9am on July 4^th.

Near the UpTake offices, you can check out the Redwood City Parade and Family Fun, also celebrating their 70^th anniversary. Cupertino holds a pancake breakfast before setting off on their parade. And in Santa Cruz county, you can celebrate with parades and events in Watsonville, Boulder Creek and Aptos (this last parade features Great Pyrenes dogs in their parade!)

Our family is going to celebrate locally this year, heading over to our community pool and joining in on the annual Great Decorated Bike Parade, a wonderful photo opportunity! What are your plans this Independence Day?

Don’t wait until 9:00 to show up, though. Prior to the concert you and your family can enjoy musical entertainment on Cleveland’s historic Public Square. The pre-concert festival features a broad range of Northeast Ohio music groups. It begins at 4:00 pm and runs until 8:15pm.

“A Star Spangled Spectacular” will be led by guest conductor Giancarlo Guerrero and will also feature soprano Indra Thomas. The program, which will be hosted by WCPN’s Dee Perry, will include a tribute to Leroy Anderson in celebration of the composer’s 100th birthday. This year’s concert will also celebrate the 200th birthday of Cuyahoga County.

It wouldn’t be the Fourth of July if the evening didn’t conclude with Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture, followed by a fireworks display certain to bring out the patriot in everyone in attendance. Be sure that you and your family are on the scene to celebrate.

1. Give 5 adjectives that you would use to describe the “feel” of your town and its residents.
Vibrant, young, friendly, changing and fun

2. What is your favorite neighborhood in your town?
Dublin has so many great areas but my favourite has to be the heritage town of Dalkey which is about 10 miles from the centre of town. It is on the sea and has castles, artsy shops, great beaches, hill walks, an island with a Martello tower on it and seals in the harbour. It also has great restaurants and bars. Despite the fact that it is now home to lots of rock stars and formula one drivers it has retained a great village atmosphere (my granny still gets stopped on the street at least six times a day for a chat!).

3. Which cuisine do you think your town does best? What is the runner-up?
I am not sure if Guinness qualifies as a cuisine but it is definitely Dublin’s signature dish. It is still made right in the city centre and the smell of the hops can waft all the way down the river life on occasions. As a runner up we do great seafood here and several Irish restaurants have been awarded new Michelin star this year. A word of warning though for a Friday or a Saturday night book weeks in advance as the best restaurants get booked up really early.

4. What is the best free thing to do?
The beaches are great and as Dublin is on a bay there are plenty of them. Killiney beach is my favourite and you can get the Dart (our train system) right to the entrance. Walking the pier in Dun Laoghaire is also a great day out and you can reward yourself with a legendary Teddy’s ice-cream if you keep up the pace. Our Festivals are also great and we have just had the World Street Performance Championships here and there is always of course the St. Patricks Day Festival.

5. What is your favorite type of entertainment?
A night out with friends or family to relax and absorb the great banter and atmosphere of Dublin nightlife. There are often four or five conversations going at the one time so it is hard to keep up sometimes. The Irish still love to talk.

6. List the best family friendly activity.
A day at the beach or at the park with a picnic would be my top pick followed closely by Dublin Zoo which is always a great day . We all come home exhausted.

If you are interested in parks, my favourites would be St. Stephen’s Green which is right at the top of Grafton Street, the best shopping street in Dublin and Herbert Park in Ballsbridge which has ducks to feed (but you need to get there early as they get pretty choosy as the day goes on) playgrounds, tennis courts and great planting. Further out I love Powerscourt Waterfall which has a 121 ft. waterfall and is a favourite area for family picnics, with woodland walks, a playground and masses of space and Knocksink Woods in Enniskerry which is quieter and great for a crispy winter walk in your wellington boots.”

7. What spot would you send a couple, looking for a romantic weekend?
The Merrion Hotel in Dublin 2 is a splendid hotel in a Georgian terrace just opposite our government buildings. The rooms in the older part of the building are best if the budget can stretch to it. There are great common rooms with log fires for lounging about in and two in house restaurants so you do not have to set foot outside.

8. Describe a perfect day…one that captures what your area/city is all about. In 3 sentences or less.
Breakfast at home with the kids with a sneaky look at the Irish Times Saturday edition. A walk in the local park followed by some lunch or a BBQ with friends or family to catch up on all the craic (that means fun here in Ireland) during the week and then a few drinks to finish off the day at home or out for dinner

9. Tell us about a place that you love to go, whether it is in the guidebooks or not.
Dalkey Hill has the most amazing views of Dublin and takes my breath away every time.

10. What should we have asked, but didn’t?
Where not to go–like every big city Dublin has an edgy side so do get local knowledge about areas to avoid if you are not sure.

I’ve been asked by the editors to participate in a meme called Thursday Thirteen. Coming up with thirteen of anything seemed impossible at first, unless you asked me to list the number of ways I can order a cappuccino at Starbucks.

But then I remembered a dilemma I face almost daily living in Los Angeles, the land of the Perpetually Primped. How can I, a working mom, go out in public with the least amount of personal grooming? And most importantly, avoid running into anyone I know lest they judge my haggard appearance? After all, this is L.A., where most women wouldn’t dare leave the house without lipstick, two coats of mascara and a Botox injection - and that’s just to get the mail.

Thursday Thirteen – Thirteen Places You Can Go In Los Angeles Without Makeup

1. The ‘scary’ grocery story in your neighborhood. I prefer our local downtrodden market to the more upscale version located a few blocks closer. So what if all the cashiers are missing half their teeth? It’s worth it if I don’t have to run into any of those moms glowing after their seaweed peels and three-hour facials.
2. Art-house movie at any Laemmle Theater – Although it appears that my highbrow taste is the motivation for attending subtitled films about lonely cobblers finding love during WWII, the real reason is there’s not a chance that any of the other three people in the theater is someone I know.
3. Chuck E. Cheese – My kids outgrew this place years ago, but I still long for those days of being able to blend in with the other hundred frantic, pasty-faced parents scarfing down pizza while their toddlers run wild.
4. Jury Duty – If you’re trying to get out of serving, appearing as unkempt as possible will work in your favor here. No one’s going to want you deciding the fate of another human being when you look like someone who can’t even brush their own hair.
5. The Car Wash – This only applies to those venues that let you stay in your vehicle while your van hits the suds. Resist the temptation to get out and pick up another fake-pine air freshener or pair of cheap sunglasses.
6. Gas Stations – I try to look as unattractive as possible when pumping gas, in order to discourage panhandling. However, I was given five bucks by a homeless guy once and told to go get a good haircut.
7. Any 7-Eleven – For obvious reasons.
8. Bally’s Total Fitness, Between 11pm and 6am ONLY – Trying to get on a treadmill during normal business hours without a full face of makeup in L.A. will result in a severe ass-kicking by other gym patrons forced to stare at your ugly mug.
9. Any fast food drive-thru – No one will ever see you ordering your super-sized monster taco meal while looking like you just woke up from a fifty-year nap.
10. Target, Sepulveda Blvd. in Van Nuys – This Target is a mecca for overworked, overwhelmed parents and it shows. I feel right at home amongst the tattered-sweatpants crowd. Drive over the hill to Sunset and Vine, though, and every single person looks like they’re from the cast of The Hills.
11. The Dry Cleaners – What person in their right mind would get gussied up to pick up a bunch of sweaters?
12. Ross Dress For Less, Mervins, Marshalls or anywhere else you can get a coat for under ten dollars – See #7
13. Sorry, but there really are only twelve places in L.A. that you can go looking like a hag.